no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i think my cat just said my name.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
