just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
