he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
