His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
