I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
