so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize