Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im having a threesome with these popsicles
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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