You were right. It hurts to walk today.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
