Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
