No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
