you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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