i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
