How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
