In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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