community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
