I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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