I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
