My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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