Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
