dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize