I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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