We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
