If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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