I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
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