Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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