Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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