Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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