hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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