Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
