What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
