Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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