It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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