So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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