I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
