I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
