Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize