No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
