it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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