i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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