PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
