i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
