Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
