i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
