If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
