Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
