What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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