I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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