What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize