I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
well you can't waste a boner
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
