Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
