her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
