Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
