I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
ok first of all what the fuck
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
