these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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