new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
