my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Don't make out with my wife yet
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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