there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
