I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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