I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
