Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
