my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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