the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
