in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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