We won't sleep together?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
