Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
