3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
